You’ve never run over an old crone with supernatural powers, desecrated a burial site, stolen an ancient artifact, murdered someone for personal gain, consulted a Ouija board, or read an occult manuscript aloud. You believe in human goodness and embrace the spirit of Christmas. You’re not looking for a property that’s way below market value, you don’t seek out a deal that’s too good to be true, and you know that your new home is not built on the site of a former cemetery, asylum, prison, or massacre. You’ve done your research, you haven’t wronged anyone while closing the sale, you’ve done everything right, and yet you’ve still managed to move into a haunted house.
Don’t panic. It happens to the best of us and with 44% of Americans saying they are currently living, or have previously lived, in a haunted house there are a lot of cursed properties out there, lying in wait like traps, full of annoying ghosts that automatically become your problem the second you close the deal. So what now? Here are some helpful do’s and don’ts.
DON’T TRY TO REMOVE THE GHOSTS
Whether you hire a team of intrepid researchers armed with their very own Reversor Machine (Hell House) that will zap the ghosts out of the house, or merely call your local priest (The Amityville Horror) to bless your new home and cleanse it of malign influences, any attempt to remove the ghosts will result in property damage, swarms of flies, and/or death. Like it or not, you’re going to have to live with these jerks.
DO START FAMILY THERAPY
Haunted houses bring out the worst in everyone. Whether it’s your husband getting super broody (Amityville Horror), your wife getting super-obsessed with cleaning everything over and over again while letting her mother-in-law starve to death (Burnt Offerings), or your husband getting super murdery (The Shining), you’re going to need help navigating the big emotional hurdles that spring up when you move into a haunted house. Therapy is expensive, but consider it a necessary precaution, like flood insurance. After all, it’s better to handle whatever challenges arise with the assistance of a licensed professional rather than homicide.
DON’T HAVE A PARTY
You’ll want to show off your new home to as many people as possible, but resist this compulsion to host a party with every fiber of your being. Simply put, owning a haunted house means you no longer entertain. Period. Something as simple as a dinner party for a few couples will result in supernaturally-induced sodomy on the bed where everyone puts their coats (The House Next Door), a small children’s birthday party will get the kids murdered by possessed rocking horses and marionettes (Ghost Child), and even an open house managed by your realtor will bring to life all the possessed stone out of which your house was constructed, leaving your guests shredded by flying gravel or crushed to death by hopping blocks of stone (The Tea Party). If you want to entertain, go out.
DO BUY YOUR CHILDREN NEW TOYS
Kids are always asking for more stuff: new dolls, new video games, new phones, new shoes. You want to teach them the value of a dollar, but if you’ve moved into a haunted house, just buy them whatever they want as long as it comes from a store. A bored child is going to go looking for something new to play with, searching through dusty attics and forgotten closets, and the second they pick up an old porcelain-faced doll (Suffer the Children) or some hideously carved wooden doll (Nightstone) it’s only a matter of time before they begin levitating in the back yard underneath a full moon, or whispering to the doll all night long, learning all kinds of dark secrets. From there, it’s just a short step to people getting strangled by disembodied hands and ghosts tossing them off cliffs.
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How to Sell a Haunted House
DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THE GHOST
This might seem like it should go without saying, but if you move into a house and start having super sexy supernatural dreams where a ghost is cooking you really heavy meals, painting you naked, and making sweet sweet love to you every single night of the week (Ravished), this is not going to end well. Ghosts are curious critters, constantly yanking the covers off of us when we’re in bed, or making gross noises while we shower, and some singles might be tempted to explore. However, no matter how long of a dry spell you’re in, don’t give in to the horniness of ghosts. They are ultimately very selfish lovers who are bad at aftercare, they’re possessive, and they’re also dead so technically you’re doing necrophilia. Come on. Your mother raised you better than that.
DO LISTEN TO THE GHOSTS
We all want to discover our purpose in life, and that’s hard to do when you’re dead. Sometimes ghosts just want to be useful, so if they’re appearing to you in the middle of the night and leading you to secret chambers full of lost treasure, or their own concealed dead bodies, listen. Think of them like Lassie, always trying to take you somewhere useful and giving clues as to what they want, even if you don’t understand them at first. Dig up those bones, unearth that treasure, right that wrong. Who wants a disgusting dead body buried on their property anyways? On a similar note, if the ghosts are telling you to “Get out” then you probably ought to listen. A lucrative book deal awaits you.
Originally published January 2023
Grady Hendrix is a novelist and screenwriter living in New York City. His latest book, How to Sell a Haunted House, appears on January 17, and you can learn more dumb facts about him at gradyhendrix.com.
